josiah+co. Blog — Pregnancy + Infant Loss

Our family is no stranger to grief. In the past 5 years we’ve experienced 7 miscarriages (most within the second trimester), the death of my grandmother, and the sudden death of my husband’s father. My son still cries out for his Papa and will often make comments about wanting to die so he can see him.

I need you to know, my 6 year old son is not suicidal. He is processing his grief. We have chosen not to shield our children from the reality of death, but rather normalize talk around death and dying.

We all will experience grief of sorts in our life and yet it is rarely talked about. So when we are confronted with grief we often don’t know how to navigate through it, we get stuck. I’ve been journeying through grief now for 12 years. My journey started when my step-father passed away suddenly in 2008 and has continued these past 6 years as I’ve navigated through recurrent second-trimester pregnancy loss. I’m well acquainted with grief; we’ve become good buddies butting heads every now and then.  As I’ve navigated through this journey here are a few things that have been...

We were supposed to have our anatomy scan today. The clinic actually called yesterday to remind me, but what they didn’t know was we lost the babe 5 weeks ago.⠀ Reminders like this always catch me off guard. I’ll think I’m doing ok, and then I realize I’m not... and that’s ok. I spent the afternoon yesterday crying it out to sappy sad music.⠀ I’m trying to let myself feel it, amidst everything else that is going on in our world today, I'm trying to feel it. And it all feels so damn heavy.⠀ People losing babies, mothers dying during...

I’m technically still pregnant. Pregnant with a corpse; a shell of what once was.⠀ My body hasn’t registered our loss yet. She’s just going about her day, oblivious to the reality within her. ⠀ I guess she never got the paperwork.⠀ So I’ll wait with her.⠀ We are waiting and I am fighting for the care I know she needs.⠀ Amidst covid restrictions, and red taped ORs, I’m waiting to find someone who will take us in; someone who will save us the trauma and possibility of bleeding out at home.⠀ The reality is, first trimester loss isn’t ‘just a...