josiah+co. Blog — Miscarriage Awareness

Mother's Day can be filled with a mixed bag of emotions, especially for those of us stuck in the pits of grief. Some of us have lost children and itty bitty babies, some have lost mothers, many are struggling to become parents at all, and some of us simply cringe at the thought of being ‘celebrated’ when the world around us is falling apart.    This day brings up a lot for me. There is a bittersweet dichotomy in parenting living children while holding space for the ones who wait for me in the stars. Add on the layers of...

How do you wish a happy 10th birthday to a baby who never took a breath? When the birth was wrapped in death, and the first hello was also the final goodbye—how do you mark that? It’s been a whole decade since Josiah was birthed into eternal death. Ten years. A full-blown lifetime. And yet this one calendar date—April 18th—drops me right back into that hospital room. Into the sterile stillness. The excruciating silence. The weight of it all still lingers, even now. How do you capture a life barely lived? A baby who only ever existed within me—held in...

Yesterday she told me she wants me to have another baby. And my heart nearly broke open.  Even though that chapter is so far behind me, it still stings like hell.  The grief of my wretched fertility journey still lingers on the surface. The subtle reminders of all it took to get here, and all that I lost along the way.  There's this odd duality to it all. Being grateful for where I am, yet this unnamable emotion attached to the deep pain experienced along the way.  It's not hatred, or anger, or bitterness, because the pain is so attached to the joy. And without the pain of what...

8 years of missing you. The sting of your absence has stretched out with time. At certain moments the scar gets scratched open and the salty triggers remind me of all we are missing and have missed. Brothers chasing each other in the greenhouse, and imagining you with yours.Pregnancy announcements, even still, and the breath I hold desperately hoping they make it.Dear friends with two under 2, and the reminder of how desperately I wanted you and your brother close in age. The birth of fresh new babies, even after holding three healthy ones of my own. The sadness that...

This past decade has been extremely painful and beautiful; full of grief and joy.   I graduated university. Left my church. Moved cities. Had my heart broken. Lost friends.   I fell in love with Hamilton. Found a new church. Made new friends.   I discovered the Holy Spirit. Lost my faith. Discovered new expressions of faith. Left the church again.   I became a wife and a mother.   I birthed both life and death.   I broke up with myself as I learned how to parent, and learned how to parent after loss, again and again and again....