josiah+co. Blog — Miscarriage Awareness

Yesterday she told me she wants me to have another baby. And my heart nearly broke open.  Even though that chapter is so far behind me, it still stings like hell.  The grief of my wretched fertility journey still lingers on the surface. The subtle reminders of all it took to get here, and all that I lost along the way.  There's this odd duality to it all. Being grateful for where I am, yet this unnamable emotion attached to the deep pain experienced along the way.  It's not hatred, or anger, or bitterness, because the pain is so attached to the joy. And without the pain of what...

8 years of missing you. The sting of your absence has stretched out with time. At certain moments the scar gets scratched open and the salty triggers remind me of all we are missing and have missed. Brothers chasing each other in the greenhouse, and imagining you with yours.Pregnancy announcements, even still, and the breath I hold desperately hoping they make it.Dear friends with two under 2, and the reminder of how desperately I wanted you and your brother close in age. The birth of fresh new babies, even after holding three healthy ones of my own. The sadness that...

This past decade has been extremely painful and beautiful; full of grief and joy.   I graduated university. Left my church. Moved cities. Had my heart broken. Lost friends.   I fell in love with Hamilton. Found a new church. Made new friends.   I discovered the Holy Spirit. Lost my faith. Discovered new expressions of faith. Left the church again.   I became a wife and a mother.   I birthed both life and death.   I broke up with myself as I learned how to parent, and learned how to parent after loss, again and again and again....

My grief had become unbearable. Pushed down and ignored, it came to a bubbling point after our ‘rainbow baby’ arrived. This was supposed to be a joyful time, wasn’t it? I was supposed to be happy and ecstatic that our ‘rainbow’ was finally here. Wasn’t she supposed to wipe all the grief away? Heal the pain of our previous losses?Instead of joy, and delight, and gratefulness, I was drowning in fear, and anger, and guilt. As I held my screaming newborn I would dose off in daydreams, finding myself running away to far away places or driving my car off...

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what it means to wrestle together. To provide each other with the space and freedom to ask some of the deepest questions we have buried deep within.Grief has a tendency to cause these questions to bubble up, to rise to the surface until we cannot contain them anymore. Who is God really?Is he actually good?If everything happens for a reason, did God will my babies to die or did God cause x, y and z?Traditionally we have been taught to shove these questions below the surface. How dare we question the God of the...