Yesterday she told me she wants me to have another baby.
And my heart nearly broke open.
Even though that chapter is so far behind me,
it still stings like hell.
The grief of my wretched fertility journey
still lingers on the surface.
The subtle reminders of all it took to get here,
and all that I lost along the way.
There's this odd duality to it all.
Being grateful for where I am,
yet this unnamable emotion attached to
the deep pain experienced along the way.
It's not hatred, or anger, or bitterness,
because the pain is so attached to the joy.
And without the pain of what was,
I wouldn't be experiencing the joy of right now.
I heard somewhere that we can't experience
deep joy without first experiencing deep pain.
To know the pain of sadness and loss,
expands our capacity for joy.
It sucks, and it's beautiful
all in the same breath.