josiah+co. Blog — Missed Miscarriage

Yesterday she told me she wants me to have another baby. And my heart nearly broke open.  Even though that chapter is so far behind me, it still stings like hell.  The grief of my wretched fertility journey still lingers on the surface. The subtle reminders of all it took to get here, and all that I lost along the way.  There's this odd duality to it all. Being grateful for where I am, yet this unnamable emotion attached to the deep pain experienced along the way.  It's not hatred, or anger, or bitterness, because the pain is so attached to the joy. And without the pain of what...

Grief is a deeply personal and often isolating experience. It comes in many forms, each with its unique weight and complexity. Whether you are mourning the child you never got to meet, the partner you thought you’d grow old with, or the faith that once gave you a sense of certainty, grief leaves its mark. It changes you—but it doesn’t have to define you forever. Perhaps your grief is tied to the version of yourself you thought you’d be by now—the one who imagined a life filled with joy, stability, and dreams realized. Or maybe your loss is less tangible...

8 years of missing you. The sting of your absence has stretched out with time. At certain moments the scar gets scratched open and the salty triggers remind me of all we are missing and have missed. Brothers chasing each other in the greenhouse, and imagining you with yours.Pregnancy announcements, even still, and the breath I hold desperately hoping they make it.Dear friends with two under 2, and the reminder of how desperately I wanted you and your brother close in age. The birth of fresh new babies, even after holding three healthy ones of my own. The sadness that...

I’m technically still pregnant. Pregnant with a corpse; a shell of what once was.⠀ My body hasn’t registered our loss yet. She’s just going about her day, oblivious to the reality within her. ⠀ I guess she never got the paperwork.⠀ So I’ll wait with her.⠀ We are waiting and I am fighting for the care I know she needs.⠀ Amidst covid restrictions, and red taped ORs, I’m waiting to find someone who will take us in; someone who will save us the trauma and possibility of bleeding out at home.⠀ The reality is, first trimester loss isn’t ‘just a...

I walk a fine line between grief and relief. Grieving the life we lost, and yet relieved I’m no longer pregnant.Grieving the son we will never get to know, and yet relieved because I was terrified to parent three children on earth. I was excited to welcome a third babe on this earth, but I was terrified by how a third...