josiah+co. Blog — Grief

4 years ago today I birthed our second born.⠀⠀I didn’t get to leave the hospital with him.⠀⠀I didn’t get to feel his warmth or give him his first bath.⠀⠀I didn’t get to watch him grow or learn to walk or talk or ride a bike.⠀⠀I didn’t even get to whisper goodbye to a listening ear.⠀⠀I walked out empty handed and broken-hearted.⠀⠀Some parents don’t get to parent their second born.⠀⠀They are left to navigate the waters of parenting after loss, of loving and grieving, breathing and dying all at the same time.⠀⠀We don’t get to choose our paths.⠀⠀And to be honest,...

I’m caught in a dance. The dance between life and death, hope and despair. Stuck somewhere between belief and disbelief. Some days I keep it together. I’m strong and full of hope, laughter falling from my lips. Other days I fall apart on the inside. My emotions escape me, my impatience surprises me. And I’m ridden with guilt. The cloud of grief quietly consumes me, but I don’t even know it. I’m a peacemaker. A nine to the tee on the enneagram. I avoid conflict, I run from my inner turmoil. If I’m being honest, I don’t really want to...