Yesterday I got my first period after loss. ⠀
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One of my closest friends also told me they just found out they are expecting.⠀
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I’ll be honest. It wrecked me. I am wrecked.⠀
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With previous losses I’ve been able to navigate this a lot better. I’ve been able to hold the joy for another + grief for myself in each hand.⠀
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But this time is different. This time all I can hold in both hands is grief. I feel no joy, and I feel awful. ⠀
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I should be happy for my friend. But I am so sad for myself.⠀
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This sadness is heightened because this time around I’m not sure we will try again. ⠀
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In times past when I’ve heard such news I’ve thought.... ⠀
“This is great for you, ⠀
I’m happy for you. ⠀
I’m holding joy for you. ⠀
I am sad for myself, my current loss sucks, but we will just keep trying and our time will come.”⠀
⠀
But this time,⠀
all I feel are sadness, ⠀
and sorrow, ⠀
and jealousy. ⠀
And I feel awful that I feel these things and no joy.⠀
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This is life after loss.⠀
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Life continues to move forward. At times we will be able to hold grief + joy simultaneously, but sometimes...⠀
Sometimes we will only be able to hold grief.⠀
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And that is ok.⠀
