This week, in honour of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day we are honoured to share Heidi's story with you. Heidi is mom to two Earth-side babes, Eleanor and Henry, and one Heaven-side babe, Wunder. She is also the seamstress behind Darling Emma Handmade.
Here is her story.
It’s the reminders of you that hit me the hardest.
The other day when I picked up a pile of sewing I had been working on, two teeny, tiny bows I had made, just for you, fell to the ground. My heart sank as I picked them up, knowing you would never wear them.
One of our good friends was going to give us a bed. That bed would be for your big sister, and your big brother would get her bed, and you would sleep in the nursery where all our babies have slept when we brought them home. I welled up with tears as my husband reminded me that our friend needed an answer about if we wanted that bed. If we did take it, I would think only of you every time I looked at it. So, I said no.
As I was cleaning and tidying the house for Thanksgiving, I came across your brother’s ultrasound pictures. My soul felt crushed as I sank to the floor and realized I didn’t even have one picture of you. I will never know if you have a rounded tip of your nose like me or a slight hook at the end like your daddy. From even the first picture with your brother and sister, I knew whose nose they would have. I will never see your sweet profile in this lifetime.
I will never get to see if you have dimples, or if you will have blue eyes, or a head full of golden hair. I will never get to nuzzle my face against your soft skin and breathe you in. I will never carry you with me for nine months and finally hold you in my arms. I will never hear the sound of your cries or your giggle. I will never see the rise and fall of your chest as you sleep peacefully tucked into me.
There are too many things about you that I will never know this side of Heaven.
But every single one of these little things that remind me of you also remind me that you were here. You existed. You were present within this world, if only for a little while. You changed my life.
You were and forever will be my baby. I will carry these small, meaningful memories of you with me, my darling Wunder, always. Although these reminders can sometimes make me sad, they also make me so, so happy and grateful to have known you.